Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
