I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
