I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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