i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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