You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
