do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
