i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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