Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
