Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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