just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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