i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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