if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I AM VODKA MAN
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Randomize
