I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
