My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
