Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
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