I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
