I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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