im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
