I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
