I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
