My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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