you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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