I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
