I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
How does one acquire holy water?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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