The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i was born a porn star she said
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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