My friends, they love my intelligence
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
