Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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