It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
