Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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