you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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