I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
