when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
