Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
