i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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