shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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