if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
