remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
