I can't watch pbs sober anymore
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
