If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
