Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
