I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
it's like heaven, but drunker
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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