Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
