You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
