Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
