when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
