I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Randomize
