fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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