I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
