i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
