Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We need to rekindle our bromance
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
