There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
