he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
